April 23, 2007
Dear New York Knicks Fans:
Our season has come to an end. Unfortunately, it did not end as I had hoped it would. I was really looking forward to seeing us get swept in the first round again, but this lofty goal of mine will have to wait another year.
Why We Didn't Make the Playoffs
Isiah "said he believes the Knicks are the best 33-49 team ever assembled." I'm not sure if that's accurate, but the Knicks are certainly the most expensive 33-49 team ever assembled.
When I asked Isiah why we didn't make the playoffs,
he blamed it on our injuries and on the Eastern Conference being too tough. I have since asked Commissioner David Stern to move us to the easier
Western Conference next season and to investigate why we were the only
team in the NBA with injuries.
Rewarding Isiah
I have also asked Commissioner David Stern to
end all future NBA regular seasons on March 11th. If this year's regular season had ended on March 11th, we would have made the playoffs. That is why I rewarded Isiah with a multi-year extension on March 12th. Some have argued that my decision was premature. But I believe you can never reward greatness too early. In keeping with this winning philosophy, I have decided that ...
THE TIME HAS COME TO RAISE ISIAH'S NUMBER TO THE RAFTERS !!!
An Invitation
On June 28, 2007,
the same day the Chicago Bulls will use our lottery pick to draft a player better than Eddy Curry, we will retire Isiah's number. And YOU'RE INVITED to the ceremony!
Come be a witness to history, when the Pantheon of Knicks Legends gets its newest and most-deserving member, ISIAH THOMAS!
Please Help Us Choose Isiah's Number
Isiah never played for the Knicks. So we're not sure what number to put on the back of his Knicks jersey. We have three options:
(a) .393, as in a ".393 winning percentage since December 22, 2003, the day Isiah began building our championship contender";
(b) 64, as in "64 games under .500 since December 22, 2003, the day Isiah began building our model franchise"; and
(c) 0, as in "0 playoff wins since December 22, 2003, the day Isiah began building our dynasty."
Please help us choose by voting in the Comments Section below.
A Moment of Silence
Before the ceremony begins, we will have a moment of silence to commemorate the deaths of The Scott Layden Excuse and The Larry Brown Excuse. But don't feel bad for Isiah. I can assure you he is already working on bigger and better excuses. And he has promised to acquire more players with uninsurable heart and back conditions so that he'll always have The Injury Excuse.
The Ceremony
As a practical joke, we have asked Don Chaney to be our Master of Ceremony. There's something ironic about Chaney, 72-112 (.391), having been fired by Isiah, 118-182 (.393), but I can't figure out what it is.
Seconds before the ceremony begins, Isiah will have MSG Security escort Don out of the building. I'm cracking up just thinking about it!
Eddy Curry
Isiah's number would not be going up in the MSG rafters were it not for Eddy Curry. In honor of Eddy's almost-an-All-Star-caliber season, we will present him with a gold-plated pedestal autographed by all of the 43 players who out-rebounded him this season.
Door Prizes
The Knicks fan who comes closest to guessing how much Isiah will spend this summer buying out Steve Francis and Jerome James will win tickets to next year's NBA Lottery in Secaucus, New Jersey. And 10 randomly-selected Knicks fans will win a free misdiagnosis by the Knicks Medical Staff.
Dancing Contest
5 randomly-selected Knicks fans will get to compete against Isiah in a limbo dancing contest. The Knicks fan who out-dances Isiah will win a full midlevel exception. But I should warn you:
When it comes to lowering the bar at Madison Square Garden, no one does it better than Isiah.
How to RSVP
RSVP by clicking the "Comments" icon below. The first 100 Knicks fans to RSVP will win free admission to a special
Knicks camp, where Steve Francis and Nate Robinson will teach the
fundamentals of "How to Behave When You're Being Blown Out" and "Big Mac Denial Defense."
RSVP Deadline
RSVP before Commissioner Stern invokes the "best interests of basketball" clause to have me declared mentally incompetent.
Closing Remarks
In closing, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
"Fools are my theme, let satire be my song."
Yours truly,
James "Brain-Dead" Dolan
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